It is funny how I always think I know myself and then I realise that I still don’t. In the last few months I have had a massive shift in getting to know myself. I finally feel like I am so much more comfortable with myself and who I am. A couple of years ago I would still say that I knew myself but I think I was listening to people more and if they said I am something I would consider it as truth.
A couple of years ago I would be insecure about being an introvert. Now I still get a bit annoyed at myself sometimes, because this trait hinders me from time to time. Most of the time though I am proud of being an introvert. I understand what makes me special and the positive attributes that I can bring into friendships that no extrovert can. I also understand that this side of my personality has some down sides but I don’t need to compete with extroverts in these areas. It is just what they are better at.
Another thing that really shook me in the last few months is the topic of friendships. I was listening to one of my friends say that she was talking with her mentor and he asked her if she had 3 people in her life (excluding family and her husband) that would carry her if she was down. She realised that she didn’t have these people around her, people who would drop everything and come to her if she really needed them. Then her mentor said something brutal, ‘it is your fault then, you should work to have those relationships in place. You can’t just expect them to come to you.’. Here it was. However brutal, that sentence shook me and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
I would often think, oh I don’t have super close friends around me. I wish I did. The typical victim mentality just waiting for something to happen. By no means did I not have friends. I had plenty of friends but not super good friends. Then I realised I got burnt a couple of times with pursuing friendships and since then I stopped pursuing any. Maybe I started and was actively trying to meet up with someone but then I would just let go. I started going deeper and evaluating my friendship behaviour (like introverts do, haha). Then it hit me, I had a specific way in mind that I wanted my friends to be. Basically a protecting mechanism with all the opposite qualities that hurt me in previous relationships. So specific that it was basically impossible for anyone to fit that mould. If I spotted anything that was out of line with my ideal that gave me an excuse not to pursue further friendship. Crazy right?
Well, I decided that I had to finally stop being scared and go out there and pursue friendships. 1 day later I had two coffee dates set up in a week to meet up with my friends. Knowing why I have not had any close friends empowered me to change it and I can already see such a shift in my friendships. My judgemental self is kept at bay 🙂
Hopefully this year will be a year of friendships for me.